RISE Blog | Supporting Survivors: The Do’s and Don’ts

By: Erika Camarillo, Peer Educator, Sexual Assault/Consent & Sexual Health Committee Chair
April 21st, 2023

TW: Mentions of sexual assault and abuse 
 
If you have a friend or loved one who is a survivor of sexual assault, it may be difficult to know where to begin when it comes to supporting them as best as you can. While everyone is different, in their experiences and how they heal, it is important to understand how to best approach the situation and be the support that they need.

It takes time to heal from trauma, and healing is a journey the survivor must go through. It's important to allow them to take ownership of their recovery - you can't heal for them. However, there are many other ways you can help as well.

Survivors may suffer trauma from the initial abuse, but additional trauma may also occur when they tell their story, as sharing their experience can be a vulnerable and triggering experience. If someone decides they would like to open up to you about their experience, be sure to acknowledge how strong they are for sharing. Survivors hold on to their stories and may go years without telling anyone, and often, survivors feel that by keeping it to themselves, the healing may be easier. Let them know that you appreciate their courage to tell you even if the incident occurred a long time ago.

A couple things you can do as a supporter for your loved one: 

• Thank them for telling you
  • It's extremely brave for a survivor to be able to talk about their experience. Thank them for being vulnerable and for sharing such a difficult story. 
• Reassurance
  • It's an amazing feeling to know that someone is there to support you. Reassure them that you are there for them.
• Validation
  • Often survivors feel that they will not be validated if they share their story so they are less inclined to get help that they may need. Validate their feelings so that they know they are being heard.
• Ask what you can do to help or support them
  • Support looks different for everyone. For some it may mean going with them to the Title IX office to report the incident. For others it may be going to a coffee shop and just listening to them. Be sure to ask this so that they (and you) know you're doing what you can to help.
• The abuse was not their fault
  • Reassurance on this will be helpful in the healing process.

In the moment, you may completely blank on these things, and that's okay. It's okay to let them know that although you don't have the right words, you still acknowledge that they are brave, and you are there for them however you can be within your means. Trauma is usually a heavy topic, so don't feel ashamed if you don't always know what the right thing to say is.

A conversation may look like this: 

Survivor: … (tells their story) 
Supporter: I really appreciate you telling me this, you are so strong. I don't have the right words right now to respond, but I want to let you know that you are supported, and I will get back to you when I do have the right thing to say.  

What to avoid when talking to a survivor: 

Now, there are things you should avoid doing and saying to a survivor when they disclose their experience. 
Do not:

• Criticize, blame, shame, or judge them
  • This person is most likely coming to you because they trust you. You may even be the first person they have told, so if you're judging them, they may be less inclined to find help if they need it.
• Excuse or minimize the abuse
  • Belittling the person's experience is not supporting them. Your role as a supporter is to not amplify the abuse either. You may not know how that person may be feeling but be as empathetic as you can and avoid minimizing the trauma.
• Demand to know details of the abuse
  • There are certain details that they may not be comfortable sharing just yet or maybe not at all, so you must be respectful of their boundaries. They will tell you if or when they are ready to share more details.
• Take control and tell them what they need to do to heal
  • Like I mentioned earlier, this is a journey of their own. They should be taking ownership of their own healing. Supporters should give resources if they choose but avoid taking their healing journey into your hands. Do not tell them what they need to do to heal. 
• Tell them to forget about it or just get over it
  • This is another form of belittling their experience. It often takes months or years for survivors to begin their healing journey and it would be unrealistic to assume that they can heal in a healthy way if they just “forget about it” or “get over it”. Not everyone heals at the same pace so it may not be as simple as forgetting or getting over it. 
• Questions why they didn't tell you or someone else earlier
  • Understand that everyone takes their healing journeys at different paces and do it in different ways. Be as understanding as you can.

Your ultimate goal is to empower your loved one and encourage them to make good decisions during their healing process. You as a supporter are not powerless. Be there for them. I hope you feel better equipped to handle a situation like this. It's not an easy role, but now that you've learned the dos and don'ts, you know what to do! Please also know that there are many resources available to yourself and other survivors should you need them.

Resources Available to Survivors and Loved Ones of Survivors  

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