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RISE Blog | Behind the Post: Spotting the Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Written By: Faith Dolan, Peer Educator
Edited By: Elizabeth Perry
October 11th, 2024

CW: This blog mentions heavy material, including emotional abuse and physical aggression. Please, take care of yourself and understand the context of this post before reading.

“Behind the Post” is a short film developed by OneLove, an organization dedicated to educating young adults about healthy and unhealthy relationships. The film portrays a relationship between two individuals, Zoe and Will, who share several photos of themselves online throughout their relationship. Although their social media presence reveals them to have the “perfect relationship”, the relationship becomes progressively unhealthy. “Behind the Post” presents different scenes to help us learn to identify ten signs of an unhealthy relationship (platonic, romantic, professional, etc.) while also inviting us to think about how social media could be a false reality of someone’s life. Although their social media presence reveals them to have the “perfect relationship”, Zoe and Will’s relationship becomes progressively unhealthy.

Ten Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship (OneLove 2023)

To start, let’s define the ten signs of an unhealthy relationship to keep an eye out for in the film. Even if you haven’t seen the film, being able to spot the signs can make a huge difference in both your own relationships.

  1. Intensity: When someone expresses very extreme feelings and over-the-top behavior that feels overwhelming. Things are getting too intense if you feel like someone is rushing the pace of the relationship (comes on too strong, too fast). As well, seems obsessive about wanting to see you and be in constant contact. 
  2. Manipulation: When someone tries to control your decisions, actions, or emotions. You know you’re being manipulated if someone is trying to convince you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing, ignores you until they get their way, or tries to influence your feelings. 
  3. Sabotage: When someone purposely ruins your reputation, achievements, or success. Behaviors like talking behind your back, starting rumors, or threatening to share private information about you, are also forms of sabotage.
  4. Guilting: When someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it’s your job to keep them happy. They might also pressure you to do something that you’re not comfortable with by claiming that it’s important to them or that it’ll hurt their feelings if you don’t do it. 
  5. Deflecting Responsibility: When someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior. Often, this includes making excuses based on alcohol or drug use, mental health issues or past experiences (like a cheating ex or divorced parents). 
  6. Possessiveness: When someone is jealous to a point where they try to control who you spend time with and what you do. This means getting upset when you text or hang out with people they feel threatened by, wrongly accusing you of flirting or cheating, or even going so far as to stalk you. 
  7. Isolation: When someone keeps you away from friends, family, or other people. If you are experiencing isolation, you may end up feeling like you’re dependent on your partner for love, money, or acceptance. 
  8. Belittling: When someone does and says things to make you feel bad about yourself. This includes name-calling, making rude remarks about people you’re close with, or criticizing you. Over time, this can make you lose confidence in yourself or your abilities. 
  9. Volatility: When someone has a strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused, or intimidated. Volatile individuals may overreact to small things, have major mood swings, or lose control by getting violent, yelling, or threatening you. 
  10. Betrayal: When someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way. It also includes lying, purposely leaving you out, being two-faced, or cheating on you. 

 

OneLove Scenes and identifying Unhealthy Behaviors

Let’s look at different scenes throughout the film and identify the unhealthy behavior present in Will and Zoe’s relationship. For every scene, we can identify what is unhealthy and what could have changed in the situation. In terms of changes, we are going to incorporate the “ten signs of a healthy relationship” from OneLove to really counter the negative behavior and learn for the better! There are links included throughout so that you can see the scenes for yourself.

Scene 1

In the beginning of the film, Zoe asks Will to skip his practice to spend more time with her. Later in the conversation, Will tells Zoe that she can’t hang out with her friend and that she needs to cancel her plans. In this scene, Zoe demonstrates sabotage, which occurs when someone purposely tries to interfere with one’s success. On the other hand, Will tries to isolate Zoe by discouraging her from spending time with her friend. This creates a dynamic in which Zoe may feel like she is not allowed to have other relationships. 

The healthy behaviors of independence and kindness would be the ideal treatment for this type of situation. Will should’ve given Zoe her own independence since she is her own person. Zoe should’ve displayed kindness, which gives reassurance to both individuals in the relationship that there is support and care for one another’s interests.

Scene 2

While at an event, Zoe’s phone rings and Will demands to see her phone. This escalates where he pulls her away from the crowd to then screaming at her and banging his hand on the wall next to her face. In this scene, Will displays volatility as he becomes suddenly intense by displaying physical aggression. Additionally, Will also displays guilting as he demanded to know who was calling Zoe and made her feel like she was obligated to tell him. 

We can see how the healthy behavior of trust is an essential part in every relationship. Will’s actions and aggression were unacceptable, and if he felt like there was an issue with trust in their relationship, then he could have initiated a conversation where he expresses his feelings in a calm, respectful manner. 

Scene 3

While at a coffee shop together, Will makes eye contact with an attractive barista. Zoe later makes a sarcastic comment to Will saying, “She was cute.” Although it may seem harmless, Zoe’s behavior displayed a form of possessiveness as she felt threatened by the barista enough to sarcastically comment on Will’s unintentional interaction.

It is normal to experience feelings of jealousy when in a relationship with someone. However, if Zoe felt jealous of the barista, she could’ve been honest about how the interaction made her feel and expressed her concerns to Will without using sarcasm. In general, it is important to bring up feelings of jealousy with your partner as an opportunity for honesty and to discuss ways to keep that trust for one another. (Healthline, 2019). 

Scene 4  

Zoe and Will are driving with friends. When Zoe doesn’t let Will touch her leg, he accelerates the car very fast and puts everyone in danger. This scene is another example of volatility, as Will displays unpredictable dangerous behavior after Zoe sets a boundary. 

Even if someone does not understand their partner’s boundaries, their partner has the right to decide what they are comfortable with (Verywell Mind, 2022). Will could’ve displayed the behaviors of respect and understood the comfortable pace Zoe wants the relationship to go. Boundaries are fundamental to a healthy relationship. If he didn’t understand or disagreed with such doings, engaging in healthy conflict and talking things out with Zoe could’ve been an option as well. 

Scene 5 

Will sends Zoe dozens of text messages asking where she is and then surprises her as she is walking home. This scene demonstrates intensity as Will overwhelmed Zoe. Not only spamming her phone, Will displays an extreme behavior of meeting up with her unattended. 

If Will wanted to surprise Zoe, he could have been respectful of her space and wait for her response through text. Surprising or gifting your significant other isn’t a problem, since that is an act of kindness. But doing so with the intention to control or know what they are always doing (what Will did in this scene) is an act of intensity and distrust. 

Key Takeaway

Throughout the scenes of the film, we can see that Will and Zoe’s relationship escalated into something unhealthy. Not all behaviors are crystal clear, since some signs are subtle, so knowing the signs is crucial. It is also important to note that even though there were bad moments, Will and Zoe still had fun. This is shown to demonstrate good or fun behaviors do not cancel or make up for the unhealthy behaviors. Unless there is genuine change or apologies being made, it is crucial to know unhealthy relationships aren’t linear but complex. Both Zoe and Will showed unhealthy relationship behaviors throughout the film, sometimes even in front of friends. However, none of those friends intervened because they weren’t familiar with the signs and continued to positively engage with their social media posts.

Looking Behind the Post

Those who liked and commented on Will and Zoe’s posts only saw what the two wanted others to see–not what was actually happening in their relationship. Even though there were instances of sabotage, guilting, intensity, isolation, volatility, and possessiveness, the couple’s social media posts only showed seemingly happy moments that served as an unrealistic representation of their relationship. For someone in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, likes and comments from others make it seem like their partner’s toxic behavior is less serious and not as big of a deal. Comments such as “couple goals!” or “my favorite couple,” are just praising the picture, not the relationship itself, but someone going through an unhealthy relationship may not take it that way. Social media has become deeply ingrained in our daily lives, often giving the illusion that what we see online reflects reality, therefore, it is impossible to determine if others’ relationships are healthy or unhealthy solely by what they post. 

Help is Always Available

Even though being in an unhealthy relationship can be unpredictable, scary, and uncomfortable, there are several local and national resources if you or someone you know is experiencing an unhealthy relationship. Remember, you are not alone even if it feels like that! Knowing and understanding the signs and available resources is so important for the safety of you and those you care about. 

To learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships, Visit OneLove.

Resources

References

Brito, Janet. 2019. 12 Ways to Let Go of Jealousy. Healthline.

Gupta, Sanjana. 2022. How to Respect Other People’s Boundaries. Verywell Mind. 

OneLove, 2023. 10 Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship. OneLove. 

 

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