RISE Blog | Identifying the Warning Signs and Taking Action: The Do’s and Don'ts of Interfering In a Domestic Violence Situation

By: Mariah Carlo, Peer Educator
October 6th, 2023

Content Warning: Mentions of Domestic Violence 

Have you ever thought back on a situation and imagined how the outcome would have changed if you had spoken up? The unfortunate reality is that we can rarely see the full effects of a situation until it is already unfolding. In 2021, the missing persons case on Gabby Petito went viral after her abrupt disappearance was uncovered on social media. What began as Gabby creating a harmless YouTube channel to document her and her fiancé's “van life,” escalated into a search for a missing person, and ended in a murder-suicide case. Through extensive investigation and examination, it was concluded that Gabby's unfortunate death was at the hands of her fiancé, likely due to an extended cycle of domestic violence abuse. In the weeks leading up to Gabby's death, there was a bystander who reported to the police that he had witnessed Gabby being abused by her fiancé. The dashcam footage that was taken when the police went to investigate the couple became an important piece of evidence. Both the investigators, and the public at large, observed the abusive behavior that led to Gabby's death. Without this footage, which would not exist without the report from that bystander, there may have never been justice for Gabby Petito. 

Following the conclusion of Gabby's tragic case, the public spotlight was placed on domestic violence and how cases like this one are not rare. This presents an opportunity for us to learn how to approach domestic violence situations with careful consideration and compassion. There are so many discussions that can be had about domestic violence cases, but there seems to be a new public consensus: we need more active bystanders. 

Identify the Warning Signs

One of the first steps to take in being an active bystander is identifying the signs that indicate a situation may be abusive. These signs can be used to spot either an abuser, or someone being abused.  

Possible warning signs from who you suspect is an abuser: 

• Extreme jealousy 
• Bad temper
• Manipulation 
• Controlling or aggressive behavior
• Verbally harsh  
• Embarrassing or demeaning their partner

Possible warning signs from who you suspect is being abused: 

• Unexplained physical injuries 
• Seeming submissive or timid
• Making excuses for their partners behavior
• Anxiety or agitation when partner is mentioned
• Extremely apologetic
• Disconnected or pulled away from friends or usual activities 

If you evaluate a situation and feel that it displays some of these signs, there are some things to keep in mind before intervening that ensure both your safety and the safety of those involved. 

How To Intervene 

Avoid direct or public confrontation

If you suspect that someone is a victim of domestic violence, talk to the individual in a private, safe place. You want to avoid making a scene or creating an uncomfortable environment, this discourages the individual from opening up. Additionally, talking in private eliminates the possibility of the abuser's involvement, which could be dangerous for you and the individual themself. If the individual feels safe and willing to discuss their situation, it is very important to hear them out completely and avoid making any judgments.

Remember you are there to support them

If an individual is willing to speak with you about such a sensitive subject, you want to let them know that you are a person they can trust. This means that, as previously stated, you should hear them out completely and avoid making assumptions about them or the situation. Avoid placing any blame on them or making them feel responsible for what's happened. If the person being abused believes they are to blame for what has happened to them, gently remind them that this is not their fault. They are not responsible for another person's actions. 

Do not encourage any rash or hasty actions

Abusive situations are very dangerous and unpredictable. Encouraging someone in an abusive situation to take any kind of sudden action is not the safest option unless it can't be avoided. If the abuser feels threatened or out of control of a situation they could react in a negative way, escalating the situation to a dangerous degree for all parties involved.

Provide them with resources

It's important to remember you are not a trained professional and therefore, you will not have all the answers or aid to help them. Instead of trying to take control of the situation, provide the individual with resources that are equipped and trained to help them. You can only do so much to guide an individual. Forcing them to make specific choices or taking control of their actions only abuses their trust in you and oversteps boundaries. 

There will be a list of helpful resources related to domestic violence support at the end of this article for you to refer to.  

In Situations of Urgency 

While I hope that you are never in a situation where you or another individual is facing active abuse or is in urgent danger, it is also important to consider what you are able to do in those situations too. 

Do Not Confront the Situation Alone

Considering the severity and danger of violent situations, they are not something you can handle on your own. Never try to stop an active situation individually, rather, request assistance from others around you, whether you know them or not. If the situation escalates, it is safer to have backup that, if necessary, can protect the individual being abused until authorities arrive.  

Call in Professionals 

Calling in authorities is another action you can take if the situation becomes violent and you are concerned for the immediate safety of those involved. While the individual being abused may want to avoid this, it's best to eliminate all immediate dangers by calling reinforcements to assist. 

Make a Scene

Another tip to possibly de-escalate the situation while you wait for authorities to arrive is to make a scene. By bringing attention to the abuser and also getting those around you involved, you can delay the abuser and remove the victim from their view. It should be noted that it is best to avoid making a scene in most situations that don't involve threats of violence. If you notice more subtle signs of abuse, making a scene creates an uncomfortable and embarrassing situation for the one confiding in you. Remember you are here to support and to understand your friend, not to cause them feelings of shame or fear. 

Take Care of Yourself 

While many abusive relationships happen behind closed doors, if you know the signs and pay enough attention, you can make a difference. Don't brush off awkward situations when you can say or do something. Witnesses may feel helpless or not qualified to help, but as explained above, there is always something you can do. Handling these situations can be very frustrating and mentally draining, even for a bystander not directly involved. Someone facing domestic abuse is not always willing to walk away from their relationship and most do not even understand that something is wrong. Remember that it is not your job to force them to do anything, everyone has boundaries that need to be respected. If you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable with helping a friend facing domestic violence, RISE is always here to assist both you and/or the individual of concern. When in doubt or if you need any extra support, RISE encourages you to reach out to us. 

Resources and referrals for victims

 

• TTU Crisis Helpline | 806.742.5555 
  • The crisis helpline is completely free and available 24/7, 365 days a year even if you are not on campus, the number is also on the back of your student ID 
  • There are trained mental health professionals on the other end and you can remain anonymous if you prefer to. 
• Student Counseling Center | SWC 201 | 806.742.3674 
  • Located on the 2nd floor of the student wellness center at the corner of Flint Avenue and Main Street on campus.  
  • Walk-in hours are M-F 12:30-3:30 pm but are open for appointments from 8am-5pm. However, if you are ever in crisis you can walk in anytime, they are open. 
  • They have individual therapy, couples therapy, group therapy, and the mind spa which is a self-help room with meditation guides and other things. 
• Therapy Assistance Online (TAO) 
  • This is a completely online program that is interactive and helps students with well-researched and highly effective coping strategies.
• The Family Therapy Clinic | Human Science 165 | 806.742.3074 
  • They offer individual therapy, couples therapy, and family therapy at $10 per session.
• Peer Educators on TTU Campus | Drane Hall 247 | (806) 742-2110 | RISE@ttu.edu 
  • RISE peer eds assist the department in promoting peer well-being and education. Peer Eds assist RISE in outreach, programming and events, and facilitating workshops
• Women's Protective Services | 806.747.6491  
  • WPS provides crisis intervention, emergency shelter, and support services to battered women and their dependent children across the South Plains.
• Voice of Hope | 806-763-3232 
  • Lubbock Rape Crisis Center with support services for Survivors of Sexual Assault and Sex-Trafficking.
  • 24-hour crisis helpline, 24-hour medical accompaniment, 24-hour nurse examiner services, Counseling services, Law enforcement accompaniment, Judicial accompaniment, and Case-follow-up.

References

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2022). Tips for intervening if you witness domestic violence. The Hotline.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV). (2021). Signs of Abuse. NCADV. 

Woody, K. (2021). Bystander intervention could save others from abuse. Potawatomi.org. 

 

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