“I’m Worried About My Friend:” What to Do if Your Friend Is in an Unhealthy Relationship

Written By: Bree Kiniery, Niha Parkash, Shauntrel Gee, and Ashliegh Rigtrup Peer Educators
Edited By: Faith Dolan
February 18, 2026

So…You’re Worried About Your Friend

College is a time in life that is filled with tons of new experiences. One of those new things can be relationships and friendships. Juggling school, jobs, and social activities on top of personal activities makes it extremely easy to ignore the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Because the responsibilities of a college student can be overwhelming, unhealthy relationships can easily be overlooked. You might notice an unhealthy change in your friend’s behavior when they enter a relationship. This can appear in different ways, but it might look like a friend who was once outgoing beginning to withdraw. Often, friends are the first ones to notice harmful behaviors, whether it be emotional, psychological, or physical, before the person in the relationship recognizes them. These behaviors can develop gradually and become normalized, so knowing how to respond safely is important. When a friend is in an unhealthy relationship, recognizing the signs and responding with empathy can help them feel supported and empowered. 

When Concern for Your Friend Comes From Love

Feeling concern for a friend’s well-being in their relationship comes from a place of care. Being worried about your friend’s well-being in their relationship comes from a place of concern, and wanting to speak up means you value your friend’s safety and happiness. Being afraid of damaging your friendship or overstepping can cause you to not speak up and express your worries. While these fears are understandable, staying silent can allow harmful situations to escalate. 

It is important to note that expressing your concern does not mean you are controlling your friends' choices. Expressing any concerns shows your friend that you care enough to check in and offer them support. A helpful thing to do is use “I” statements to keep your friends from feeling defensive. When you express your concern, also listen to how your friend feels; they may not be ready to accept that the relationship is unhealthy. The main goal of this conversation is to let your friend know you are supporting them. Understanding the importance of expressing concern leads to helping your friend recognize unhealthy behaviors.

What “Unhealthy” Can Look Like (And Why It’s Not Always Obvious): 

Unhealthy relationships can be difficult to identify because harmful behaviors might seem normal. Often, harmful behaviors develop slowly and may not be recognized as unhealthy.  According to NSPCC Learning (n.d.), common signs include: 

·       Isolation from friends or support systems

·       Being pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with

·       Being put down or criticized

Again, these behaviors might start subtly, such as a partner making comments disguised as jokes about how much time is spent with others. Over time, comments like that can cause a person to feel like they need to be dependent on their partner and should not spend their free time with others. The One Love Foundation (2010) has 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship that you can also look for. These include: 

·       Intensity 

·       Possessiveness 

·       Manipulation 

·       Isolation 

·       Sabotage 

·       Belittling 

·       Guilting 

·       Volatility 

·       Deflecting Responsibility 

·       Betrayal 

Many behaviors might be framed as “love”. A partner might frame the example above as protection, telling them they can’t trust anyone else but the partner because they only want what is best for the other person. When a behavior is framed as “love”, friends may defend their partner’s actions.  When signs aren’t visible (i.e., emotional or verbal harm), they can be easily ignored. These less visible signs are also just as damaging as physical harm. Being able to recognize these signs will help you support your friends.  

What Not to Do (Even When You Really Want To)

When someone you care about is in a difficult relationship, it can stir up a lot of emotions that include frustration, protectiveness, and even anger. You may feel an urge to step in and “fix” things. But when you find yourself contacting your friend’s partner, pressuring your friend to make a decision, or pulling away from the friendship altogether, it’s important to pause and recognize how harmful those reactions can become for both of you.

1. Reach out to a friend’s partner

It might feel justified in the moment. Maybe you want answers. Maybe you want to defend your friend. Maybe you believe you can reason with their partner in a way your friend can’t. But inserting yourself directly into their relationship often backfires because:

• It makes things harder for your friend. They may feel embarrassed, exposed, or blindsided that private issues were shared without their consent.
• It creates external problems. Instead of easing tension, it can escalate conflict and place your friend in the middle of divided loyalties.

Even if your intentions come from love, their relationship boundaries are not yours to cross.

2. Pressure your friend to make a decision

Watching someone stay in a situation that hurts them may seem exhausting. You want relief for both them and for yourself. That’s when ultimatums start to creep in: “If you don’t leave them, I can’t keep hearing about this.” Or “You either need to choose them or our friendship.” While understandable, this pressure can be deeply harmful as:

• Proposing ultimatums removes their autonomy and replaces support with control.
• It can create shame rather than clarity, pushing them further into defensiveness.
• Instead of motivating change, it often builds a barrier between you and your friend.

People leave unhealthy relationships on their own timeline. Even if it takes a long time, you may just need to step out and let it take its course. Trying to rush that process can damage trust, which can be the very thing they need most.

3. Avoid your friendship

On the flip side, you might cope by distancing yourself. Maybe you’re tired of repeating conversations. Maybe it hurts to watch. Maybe you feel helpless. So you withdraw. Even if it’s unintentional, avoidance sends a message that can make them feel more alone when they’re already struggling. It can also reinforce isolation, which is often a major factor keeping people stuck in an unhealthy relationship.

Silence can feel like abandonment, especially when they need connection the most. The best thing you can do at this moment is be there for them. But it can also be hard to do this without putting yourself first and setting boundaries that allow you to still support your friend in the best way possible.

Supporting Without Burning Yourself Out

Loving someone through relationship struggles can be heavy. There’s no way around that. And sometimes, their love life starts to feel like a weight you’re carrying, too. That’s when stepping back, in a healthy way, becomes necessary. Supporting someone should not feel like a constant emotional drain or a chore that jeopardizes your own well-being. You are allowed to protect your peace while still caring deeply. But how do you do this?

1. Set boundaries
Boundaries are not punishments; they are protection. You might limit how often you discuss their relationship or be honest about topics that are emotionally overwhelming for you. Boundaries create sustainability, and they allow you to show up consistently instead of burning out and disappearing entirely.

2. Provide nonjudgmental support
Your role is not to fix, rescue, or decide for them. It’s to listen. Offer perspective when invited. Remind them of their worth. When people feel safe from judgment, they’re more likely to be honest, and honesty is what leads to clarity and change.

Taking a step back does not mean you are abandoning your friend. It means you are ensuring the friendship is grounded in mutual respect, emotional safety, and longevity. Healthy support systems require balance, a space to breathe, room to recharge, and the understanding that you can care for someone without carrying their burdens as your own.

If the Relationship Is Truly Unsafe

If a situation goes beyond "unhealthy" and becomes dangerous or extremely toxic, it is better to act. If you feel your friend is facing physical violence threats or is at risk to their safety, the approach must be shifted. You're not overreacting if you're scared for them. Trust that instinct.

However, you can't force someone to leave. As much as you want to, you can't make that choice for them. It definitely gets a little frustrating, but what you can do is document things if your friend shares incidents with you, and you can always help them create a safety plan if they're open to it and connect them with professionals who know how to handle these situations. It's really important to have a specific exit plan from such toxic relationships. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Title IX, and RISE exist specifically for this reason.

If you believe that your friend is in immediate danger, reach out to professionals who are trained to handle these situations. Yes, your friend might be upset with you initially, but their life matters more than mere temporary anger. Just remember, even in crisis, they're still the expert on their own situation, so, when possible, involve professionals in decisions about next steps to safely navigate through it. Guidance from organizations like the One Love Foundation emphasizes meeting your friends where they are while prioritizing safety. Here’s a few steps to follow if your friend is in a relationship that risks their safety. 

1. Lead with care
Start conversations from concern, not criticism. Let them know you’re there to listen, and not to judge.

2. Listen & believe them
Give them space to share. Validate their feelings and avoid minimizing their experiences.

3. Gently point out warning signs
If they’re unsure about what they’re experiencing, you can carefully name behaviors like isolation, threats, or control.

4. Help document incidents
If they confide in you, encourage saving messages or noting dates of violent episodes — only if they’re comfortable.

5. Build a safety plan
Help them think through safe places, emergency contacts, transportation, and an exit plan if needed.

6. Connect them to professionals, Resources exist to help, including:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Title IX (campus support)

7. Act in emergencies
If they’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services or trained professionals. Their safety comes first.

Being a Safe Space Is Enough 

If your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, you might forget to think, "You don't have to fix this. You're not a therapist, you're not a crisis counselor, and you're definitely not responsible for whether your friend stays or leaves." What you can be is consistent, present, and judgment-free.

Keep inviting them to things, even if they say no. Check in, even when it feels repetitive. Make it clear that whenever they're ready to talk or leave, you'll be there. Sometimes people need to hear "you deserve better" fifteen times before it clicks on the sixteenth.

And look, this stuff is heavy. If supporting your friend is affecting your own mental health, that's real, and it matters. You can care about someone and still need to step back for your own well-being. That's definitely not abandonment. 

Your friend will appreciate having someone who cares enough to notice, to worry, to show up. Sometimes that safe space you're providing is the only one they have. And sometimes, that ends up being the thing that helps them find their way out. 

References 

Mass.gov. (n.d.). Helping a friend in an unhealthy relationship or friendship. Mass.gov.

NSPCC Learning. (n.d.). Healthy and unhealthy relationships. National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

One Love Foundation. (2010). 10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship. One Love. 

Resources  

Texas Tech Crisis Helpline
806.742.5555

Texas Tech Title IX  
806.742.7233 | titleix@ttu.edu | Doak Hall 129

Student Counseling Center
806.742.3674 | studentcounselingcenter@ttu.edu | Student Wellness Center 201

Student Mental Health Community
806.834.6717 |heather.frazier@ttu.edu | Weeks Hall 2nd floor

One Love Foundation 
(844) 832-6158

National Domestic Violence Hotline  
Hotline: 1.800.799.7233  
Text START to 88788  
Videophone: 855.812.1001  
  
Women’s Protective Services  
Hotline: 806-747-6491  
Administration: 806-748-5292  
  

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