RISE Blog | Healthy Conflict Isn’t Toxic: How to Have Hard Conversations Without Burning Bridges

Written By: Ashliegh Rigtrup, Beth Baez, and Chriselda Cespedes, Peer Educators
Edited By: Faith Dolan
September 29th, 2025

What is Healthy Conflict?

When we hear the word "conflict", we often associate it with a negative feeling or action. This leads us to avoid any conflict or difficult conversations with a person, because when faced with them directly, they seem to cause more harm than good. However, there is such a thing as healthy conflict. Healthy conflict refers to the open exchange of differing thoughts and ideas where everyone feels respected and heard. This opens the floor for communication, allowing both parties to create boundaries. It can seem hard and intimidating to have conversations about your boundaries, especially if you've known someone for a long time. However, having hard conversations doesn't have to end in broken trust or resentment; instead, they provide us with opportunities for connection with ourselves and others. Come with us as we guide you through helpful steps to have these conversations (we promise it's not as hard as you think). 

Why is Healthy Conflict Important?

As we mentioned earlier, we often associate conflict with a negative connotation, but it can also have a more positive one. Regular conflict often involves clashing thoughts and feelings, which can cause those bridges to burn. However, when done constructively and respectfully, you can gain a perspective that you might not have had before, as well as create an open space for communication and active listening. This can foster a stronger bond and a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives.

What is the Difference?

Now, you're probably wondering what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy conflict. Healthy conflict is an open conversation when each side is heard and understood. It includes mindfulness, as well as mutual respect and a common goal of finding a solution to the conflict at hand. It turns into an unhealthy conflict when you have a closed mind and negative emotional responses. It can include personal attacks, and there may be an unresolved issue from the past that resurfaces. It may be hard to differentiate between the two of them, especially in the middle of the conversation. To help you understand the subtle differences, we have included a small dialogue that illustrates both types of conflict. In this example, we will use two college roommates: Mariah and Jane.

Context: Mariah and Jane were supposed to go out to dinner, but Mariah canceled for the third time in a row. Jane wants to talk to Mariah about how that made her feel. 

Jane: "Hey Mariah, can we talk for a second? Something has been bothering me since yesterday." 

Mariah: "Yeah, what's up?" 

Jane: "I felt disappointed when you canceled dinner last night. I understand that life gets busy, but this is the third time in a row, and I was really looking forward to hanging out with you." 

Mariah: "I am so sorry, Jane; I didn't realize that it affected you that much. I got overwhelmed with schoolwork and just shut everything out. That wasn't fair to you."

Jane: "I get that life gets busy and we all have difficult days. I just wish you would've let me know sooner or checked in because it felt like I didn't really matter in that moment." 

Mariah: "I totally understand. I think I have just been in my own head with everything that is going on and forgotten that my actions affect others. I am really sorry." 

This conversation was open and honest, where both sides were respected and heard. This makes a good example of a healthy conflict, and neither side of the bridge was burned. Let's continue with the conversation that uses unhealthy conflict. 

Jane: "I did not like it when you canceled on me last night. I made sure there was time for you, and you disrespected that." 

Mariah: "You always make everything about yourself. I had a lot going on, and I didn't feel like going to dinner." 

Jane: "Well, I don't care. We are supposed to be best friends, and we never get a chance to hang out anymore. I mean, if you don't want to be friends with me anymore, just say that." 

Mariah: "A good friend would have noticed that I am going through a lot. I shouldn't have to tell you." 

Jane: "How do you expect me to know things if you don't tell me? You have always expected me to be okay with it when really, I'm not. And it feels like you always leave me out of things on purpose. We never talk anymore, and that's why I was looking forward to having dinner with you. You are so unreliable, and you keep shutting me out; it's not fair! If you want to be friends with other people because you don't like me anymore, then say that to my face!" 

This is an unhealthy conflict because it involves personal attacks, disrespectful comments, and blame. There are also intense feelings emerging, as well as unresolved issues from the past. In the end, the bridge was burned, and their friendship was put to the test.

The Importance of Boundaries

Having and being able to set boundaries is essential to healthy conflict resolution. Let's start with what a boundary is. A boundary is a verbal, physical, or emotional barrier you set with someone, such as "Please don't call me baby" or "I'd appreciate it if you didn't hold my hand." Establishing boundaries isn't always easy, but it can get easier with practice. They are best established by sitting down and having a respectful conversation, ensuring that your language remains calm and collected. Doing this can help protect our well-being while also building trust and respect in a relationship. In our healthy dialogue example, we see how Jane asked Mariah to improve her communication with her. Since Jane's boundary also helped Mariah see how her actions were hurtful, their relationship became stronger and more connected.

The point of a boundary is not just to let your feelings and needs be known, but it can also keep you safe! Boundaries can be set about things like triggering topics, phrases, or actions, such as asking your sibling not to raise their voice at you or telling your partner that you are not comfortable with PDA. These boundaries help ensure a sense of safety and create a space in which you can thrive and feel at ease. Overall, boundaries are an essential part of ensuring that your needs and feelings are heard and acknowledged, and they play a significant role in managing conflict.

Productive Language

Furthermore, to deal with conflict, we must have a conversation! Sometimes, these conversations can often be impulsive and volatile, which isn't any good for anyone, especially when we're trying to resolve the issue instead of making it worse. When we are in conflict, our language doesn't have to hurt others. Whether it's when we sit down to have a conversation about boundaries or when we're in a heated debate with our parents about politics, it is important to use "I statements." "I statements" help us avoid making comments that criticize a person or place blame on them. Instead, we can talk about how a certain situation or action makes us feel. Most "I statements" utilize a formula like this: "When you __, I feel __ because ___. What I need is __." For example, instead of saying, "You never say goodnight anymore," you could say, "When you don't tell me goodnight, I feel hurt because it makes me feel distant and disconnected from you. From now on, do you think you could tell me when you're going to bed?" In our example of healthy dialogue between Mariah and Jane, notice how each person has the opportunity to be open and honest about their feelings, while both sides remain receptive and understanding. 

This tactic gives the person you're having this conversation with a chance to see how their actions may be affecting you. The entire point of having these conversations is to be heard, so it's essential to use "I statements" to make sure that we're being as clear and well-spoken as possible!

The Right Place and Time

Now that we know that conflict doesn't have to be toxic when handled with care and respect, we can talk about when and where to have healthy conversations. Addressing issues at the right time is important. Many people benefit from taking the time to process their feelings and prepare before having a serious conversation about conflict. Choosing the right place and time will help create a comfortable and safe environment for everyone involved. It allows the conversation to be open and honest without any distractions or interruptions.

When having a serious conversation about a conflict, it's best to have enough time to talk thoroughly and not feel rushed. Be honest throughout the conversation and listen actively. Having a serious discussion about a specific conflict, in general, is never easy, but take your time and be patient with yourself and the other person (Cassata, 2025). Remember, it's completely normal to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or sad when talking about conflict. It's also important to work with the other person to ensure that both of your perspectives are validated, understood, and heard. After the conversation, ensure that both of you are doing okay. See what steps you both will be taking next and move forward.

A Sound State of Mind 

Did you know that your emotions can influence how a conversation goes? Since our state of mind reflects the conversation, it's best to reflect on and process your feelings before engaging in a conversation that may contain conflict. A conversation is more likely to be productive and respectful if you go in with the mindset of being calm and collected (Ryu, 2025). It's also okay to take a moment to gather yourself if you are having high emotions during the conversation. If you become overwhelmed or anxious during the conversation, you can take a break and resume when you are ready, or use simple breathing techniques to calm yourself. If you realize that you cannot continue it, communicate this to your partner and ask to try again the next day. When you return to the conversation, be sure to discuss how you both feel and address the issues that arose during the discussion. Remember, part of healthy conflict is having the space to explain how you are feeling or what you need in that moment.

The After

It's important to take care of yourself after difficult conversations, especially if heavy emotions are involved. Here are some strategies for taking care of yourself after conflict:

1. Acknowledge what happened.

Reminding yourself that you did have a challenging conversation gives you time to process what was or wasn't said. It also helps to give your brain a chance to understand that conflict does not have to be negative.

2. Use mindfulness.

Usually, after a conflict, we ruminate (or sit with) what happened for a while. We tend to think about what went right or wrong, and it causes us to overthink the importance of the conversation. This can cause the thoughts to crowd our brains and invade the thoughts we'd like to have. To combat rumination, we can use mindfulness. Mindfulness is the act of being present in the moment or aware of your experience (Staff, 2025). To do this, take a moment to breathe deeply and become aware of how your body feels afterward. Some may feel that their jaw is tense, while others may experience a faster-than-usual heartbeat. Next, observe the emotions you are feeling. It is normal to feel a range of emotions, including relief, sadness, frustration, exhaustion, happiness, anger, or a combination of these. While becoming aware of your feelings and physical sensations, try to approach them non-judgmentally and be compassionate towards yourself. Focusing on the "here and now" allows you to cultivate a sense of peace and calm that simultaneously helps reduce tension in your body and also take a more centered and rational approach to conflict resolution. 

3. Have a support system.

While you might not have burned a bridge, it is still important to have other people you can turn to. These are people you trust who offer you advice, listen actively, or provide emotional support. Remember that you do not have to keep the outcome of the conversation all bottled up. In fact, it is better to talk it out because it releases tension that you've been holding, helps you and others gain perspective on what happened, and, most importantly, it acknowledges growth in communication strategies.   

Connecting Bridges, Not Building Walls

All things considered, there are multiple steps involved in ensuring that your conflict is healthy, including setting boundaries, using productive language, choosing the correct place and time, maintaining a sound state of mind, acknowledging what happened, practicing mindfulness, and having a support system. Having these hard conversations can be intimidating, but remember that doing so helps build boundaries, encourages open communication, allows you to express your true feelings, and resolves the issue being discussed. Remember to be patient with yourself and reflect on how approaching conflict with these strategies can help you improve the way you communicate and relate to others. Before long, you will soon realize that healthy conflict makes your relationship stronger.

Resources:

Texas Tech Title IX Office
806.834.1949 |titleix@ttu.edu | Doak Hall 129, Lubbock, TX, 79409

Texas Tech Crisis Helpline
806.742.5555

Student Counseling Center
806.742.3674 | studentcounselingcenter@ttu.edu | Student Wellness Center 201

One Love Foundation
(844) 832-6158

Student Mental Health Community
806.834.6717 |heather.frazier@ttu.edu | Weeks Hall 2nd floor

References:

Cassata, C. (2023). Assertiveness can improve your relationships-here's how. Verywell Mind.

Jensen, Nate. (2024). Embracing conflict: How it can strengthen your relationship. OU Health Campus.   

Odell, C. (2025). How is life treating you?: Trust, safety, and respect - the importance of boundaries. Stanford Student Affairs.

Pollack, J. (2024).Healthy vs. unhealthy conflict: Key differences and strategies. Peaceful Leaders Academy. 

Pollack, J. (2025).How to leverage healthy conflict into better relationships and productivity. Pollack Peacebuilding Systems.

Richardson, N. (2023). How to recover after a difficult conversation. The People Mentor. 

Ryu, J. (2025). 5 things every "conflict avoidant" person should do before any difficult conversation. SELF. 

Staff, M. (2025). What is mindfulness?  Mindful.