TW: This blog contains information surrounding abuse and partner violence
Introduction
When thinking about abuse, it can be easy to think of it as something distant and
obscure. Some may think about someone who has marks or bruises on their arm, or someone
who is seriously injured by their partner. While these are valid and very real examples
of abuse, thinking about abuse in terms of a violent incident can cause us to forget
that it is a spectrum, where behaviors range from subtle to obvious.
What is Emotional Abuse?
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (2025), “Emotional abuse includes
non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate or frighten you.” Emotional
abuse can occur in romantic relationships, friendships, or within your family. There
are multiple signs of emotional abuse, ranging from more obvious signs, such as yelling
and calling names, to subtle signs, such as being jealous when you hang out with your
friends.
Partners Who Abuse Are in Control of Their Behavior
When people think of abusers, they usually picture someone who is erratic and out
of control, such as someone who screams at servers at a restaurant, punches strangers
in bars, or finds themselves in and out of jail. While there are plenty of abusive
people who fit this description, the majority do not. Smith & Segal (2024) describe
how people who abuse act in very calculating, careful ways:
They only pick specific people to abuse. They can wear a smile in public and even
be labeled as charming or kind. They usually choose to only abuse people who are closest
to them.
They are intentional about when and where they abuse. In public, they control themselves,
so no one is able to witness how they act. By doing so, they are able to hide the
abuse and deny it if ever questioned about it. The partner who abuses may also use
examples of their “perfect” behavior in public to gaslight the victim into thinking
that they are not being abused at all.
They only use their abusive behaviors when it serves them. They may act normally in
front of police, friends, or family members. This also prevents outside parties from
knowing that their partner is being abused.
It can be very difficult to know the difference between a normal argument and signs
of emotional abuse. So, let’s talk about the more subtle signs of this kind of abuse.
Types of Subtle Abuse
When discussing the signs of subtle emotional abuse, we can break it into these categories:
love bombing, insults and devaluation, disconnection, using intimidation or manipulation,
not taking accountability for toxic behaviors, making you question your reality, possessiveness,
and disrespecting boundaries (Dove, 2019; One Love, n.d.). This is not an exhaustive
list, and you may experience signs that are not listed here. However, these categories
serve as a general guide for behaviors that are signs of emotional abuse.
Love Bombing
Love bombing involves “a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate
you into a relationship with them” (Cleveland Clinic, 2023). Love bombing is often
used to reel someone into a relationship and make them feel as if they cannot leave
later on. In addition, when someone experiences love bombing, they may feel like any
concerns they have about the relationship are invalid. Here are some examples of things
someone may do or say that hint at love bombing:
Saying “I’ve never felt like this before,” “I miss you,” or “Can we hang out for a
second time today?” two weeks into talking (Dove, 2019).
Buying you a very expensive gift when you decide to become exclusive
Talking about marriage or moving in together after one month of being in a relationship
Asking to be exclusive after two dates
Insults and Devaluation
Insults and devaluation can come after love bombing. However, even during an argument,
it is never okay to insult someone. While insulting only once, taking accountability,
and changing the behavior is one thing, constantly insulting someone (with or without
an apology) can be a sign of emotional abuse. In addition, devaluation, which involves
“the act of assigning exaggerated negative qualities while disregarding the good,”
allows the abusing partner to decrease the other person’s self-esteem or perception
of who they are as a person (Cohen, 2023). Here are some examples of insults and devaluing
statements that may hint that someone is emotionally abusive:
Calling all their previous partners “crazy” (Dove, 2019)
Asking “are you sure you want to eat that?”
Excessively making fun of you when you forget to turn off the oven
Saying that you’re too sensitive and/or cry too much
Accusing you of cheating when your loyalty has never wavered (Victim Support, 2023)
Calling you names after learning the number of sexual partners you’ve had in the past
Calling you “crazy” during an argument
Making fun of what you wear
Making you feel insecure about your weight and/or what you eat
Disconnection
By disconnecting someone from their support system, an abusive partner tries to keep
them from asking others for help and relying on them for support. The abusive person
may justify these behaviors by claiming that they only do them because of how much
they care about the other person or because they want to protect them. Here are some
examples of disconnection:
Calling your close friends names
Showing up at your house when you have a friend over and claiming that they "forgot"
you had plans
Intentionally saying something to make your friend upset
Saying they do not like your friends and think you should spend less time with them
Insisting that you call your mom only when you're with them
Starting a fight with your sibling for no reason
Insisting on being in or near your room during your online therapy session
Getting mad if you go out of town to see your family
Intentionally trying to make your pet prefer them over you
Needing reassurance of your love, care, and devotion after you get back from hanging
out with your friends (National Legal Services, 2023)
Using Manipulation or Intimidation to Demand Attention, Silence You, or Shut You Down
Partners who abuse may utilize intimidation tactics to silence you, demand attention,
or shut you down. In these situations, it can feel like you don’t have space to communicate
how you feel. You may even feel scared when someone is angry because their behavior
is unpredictable (Victim Support, 2023). They may also weaponize tears to make you
feel guilty for bringing something up. Here are some examples in which someone may
be using intimidation or manipulation:
Threatening to hurt themselves when you try to end the relationship
Crying when you ask them to help you clean the house (Dove, 2019)
Only talking about how stressed they are at work when you try to discuss how you don’t
like how they don’t pick up after themselves.
Getting aggressive when you argue
Yelling so much that you feel like you can’t ever bring up a concern.
Blaming Toxic Behaviors on Substances
When confronted with their toxic behavior, an abusive partner may say that their behavior
was due to being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. However, it is important
to know that while drugs or alcohol can increase the severity of a behavior, they
do not cause abuse (Duggan & Miller, 2025). Justifying abusive behavior with substances
allows them to shift responsibility away from themselves and frames toxic behavior
as a loss of control rather than an intentional choice to take control of someone.
Here are some examples of what an abusive partner might say if they are blaming toxic
behaviors on substances:
“You know that liquor makes me more angry than usual.”
“I wouldn’t have done that if I wasn’t crossed.”
“I don’t remember saying that. I was too drunk to remember.”
“I was having fun with the guys, and we ended the night at a girl’s house. It’s not
a big deal; it’s not like I was sober.”
Making You Question Your Reality
An abusive partner may say things that intentionally confuse you or make you question
your reality (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2023). At first, these instances
may seem like a case of bad memory or not hearing something they said. Repeatedly
lying to gain control over someone is called gaslighting, and this is a very effective
form of emotional abuse that allows a partner to gain power and coerce someone to
stay in a relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline gives some signs of
gaslighting that may seem subtle at first:
You wonder if you’re too sensitive.
You feel like you always have to apologize to them.
You feel like you need to withhold information from your loved ones, so you don’t
have to explain yourself or make excuses.
You feel like your memory has suddenly worsened without explanation.
You question your character and who you are as a person.
Your partner acts completely differently in public and makes you wonder if what happens
at home is real.
Here are some examples of things someone might say if they are trying to gaslight
you and make you question your reality:
“I don’t remember saying that at all. Are you sure you’re not thinking of someone
else?”
“You’re blowing this way out of proportion. There’s no need to get angry about that.”
“You’ve been with your friends too much. You don’t even sound like yourself. Are you
sure that you mean that?”
“I told you this yesterday when we were sitting on the couch. How can you not remember?”
“My friends agree that you’re being weird.”
“My therapist said that you are pretty sensitive and way too emotional.”
“Did you ever think that maybe I’m acting like this because of you?”
“You’ve been acting really different lately, and what you just said doesn’t even sound
like you. Are you sure that you mean that?”
“You know that I’m the more logical person. Maybe you should listen to what I’m saying
instead of being stubborn and only believing in what your emotions are telling you.”
“Wow, you really don’t think highly of me, do you? I can’t believe you’d suggest that
I’d even say something like that.”
“I obviously yelled at you because you forgot to run the dishwasher. If your memory
was better, then I wouldn’t even have gotten mad.”
“I’m not discussing this with you. You’re obviously way too emotional.”
“You told me yesterday that you’re having a really hard time with your parents’ divorce.
Did you ever stop and think that maybe this is making you overreact and blow things
out of proportion?”
Possessiveness
Possessiveness can be one of the earliest signs of emotional abuse because it is easy
for someone to act like their possession is just love or care. It is also important
to consider how gaining control in this way does not happen overnight (Pugle, 2023).
Here are some examples of ways an abusive partner might use this tactic:
Texting you nonstop when you aren’t with them and expect instant responses (Stewart,
2023).
Starting an argument when you are away from them and demanding that you settle it
right then, in that moment, so they can feel reassured (causing you to not enjoy the
time that you are out)
Pressuring you to change majors so you can spend more time with them
Wanting you to spend your birthday with only them
Being jealous when you are not with them
Repeatedly showing up to your job unannounced
Forcing you to discuss what was discussed at a doctor's or therapy appointment
Wanting to go with you to hang out with your friends
Requiring that you get their approval before you go home for the weekend
Asking you to share your location only when you’re going somewhere that makes them
feel jealous.
Making you feel like you have to stay in more and more to avoid arguments with them
(Victim Support, 2023)
Disrespecting Boundaries
At first, disrespecting boundaries may look like a difference in communication preferences
or a simple disagreement. However, over time, a partner may continuously make you
feel pressured to do something you do not like or are uncomfortable with. Here are
some ways that a partner may disrespect boundaries:
Pouting and getting annoyed when you say you don’t feel like having sex
Repeatedly calling you at work when you have told them you can’t talk there
Coming into your house even when you said you wanted alone time
Pressuring you to share your location when you have not reached a point where you
feel comfortable doing so
Pressuring you to stay up late even though you have work early the next morning
Making you take a shot with them, even though you don’t like the taste of it
Help is Always Available
Emotional abuse can be very hard to recognize and differentiate from a "rough patch"
in a relationship. However, by learning the subtle signs, which include love bombing,
insults and devaluation, disconnection, using manipulation or intimidation, blaming
toxic behaviors on substances, making you question your reality, possessiveness, and
disrespecting boundaries, you can learn how to identify patterns and examples that
are consistent with emotional abuse.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse or domestic violence, know that there
are many local and national resources that can help. These resources are there for
you even if you are not sure if what you're experiencing is abuse. It can be scary
and anxiety-inducing to realize that you are experiencing abuse, but remember that
you never have to go through it alone. To connect to resources, check out the list
below.
Resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline Women’s Protective Services Texas Tech Title IX
Student Counseling Center
Student Health Services
Texas Tech Crisis Helpline
References
Cleveland Clinic. (2023, February 1).What is love bombing? 7 signs to look for. Idealization and devaluation .Seeing the subtle signs of abuse Alcohol & Drugs don’t cause abuse: Understanding the real drivers of violent behavior. What is gaslighting? What is emotional abuse.
National Legal Service. (2025, October 17). Recognising the difference between love and controlling behaviour 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship. 5 lesser-known warning signs of an abusive relationship.
Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2024, February 5). Domestic violence and abuse Early warning signs of abuse. Recognising the signs of domestic abuse.
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